Mommiejonesing's Blog

Shonda Rhimes: How I Learned To Surrender – The Daily Beast

mommiejonesing — Sun, 05 May 2013 23:11:16 +0000

Surrender is the core lesson in the nonexistent book of parenting. Children do not come with instructions but intuition, a solid village and lots of prayer will get you through the day. In contrast, the adoption process is a best laid plan that is often counterintuitive. And if you like to be in the know, yielding to the judgment and timeline of others can damn near kill you!

Shonda Rhimes knows this first hand and shares her journey to motherhood through adoption in Carried in Our Hearts, Creating Families Across Continents by Dr. Jane Aronson.

It was in that car that I finally understood the surrender. That I finally fully accepted that this wasn’t my process. That something in me broke open. Because I realized that I wasn’t sitting in that car thinking about me. I was sitting in that car thinking about the scared girl heading for an operating room having a baby she would ultimately hand over. To me. This wasn’t my surrender. It was hers.

via Shonda Rhimes: How I Learned To Surrender – The Daily Beast.

beyondbabymamas | conversations with single women of color

mommiejonesing — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 16:27:03 +0000

Hey all,

We’re sharing today!

Stacia L. Brown is doing great things at beyond baby mamas. Check out her blog and her piece: “How Unwed Mothers Feel About Being Unwed Mothers” that ran in “The Atlantic” at http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/03/how-unwed-mothers-feel-about-being-unwed-mothers/274301/.

Stacia is also generous enough to run my short essay, “Black Women and Adoption” on her blog.

I am not the first or only single non-famous Black woman to adopt in America, and yet it seems that way.

via beyondbabymamas | conversations with single women of color.

10 Things Not to Say About an Adopted Child – mom.me

mommiejonesing — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 19:40:33 +0000

If I had a crisp Benjamin for every person who said, “He is so lucky”, I’d be rich. No doubt, adoption changes the trajectory of a child’s life for the better. But unbeknownst to the giver, the well-meaning “he is so lucky”, gets lost in translation for the receiver. When an adoptive parent is ~~complimented~~ told, “He is so lucky”, what we actually hear is: “if you hadn’t rescued that boy from his crack-head mama and no-count daddy, he’d be a high school dropout in kindergarten”. And buried within those three words, is the title “savior” or “saint”. We are neither. Instead, we are human beings, who created a family through adoption.

Depending on the age of the child, “He is so lucky” subtly communicates that he is not really worthy of his adoptive parent and that he better be good or else. In my own case, my blinged-out zip code suggests that my son was on the come up, when in truth, it was I who scored. He has taught my non-religious ass that I Corinthians 13: 2 is true – If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I have nothing. Children do not ask to be born and typically do not ask to be adopted. Adoption is the adult’s choice and therefore, that human being’s responsibility to fulfill that commitment to that child. Luck… has nothing to do with it.

While I believe that it is not the intention of “He is so lucky” to make a parent feel superior or a child feel less than, it is something for all us to consider.

We don’t adopt because we want to provide an opportunity for someone for a better life. We adopt because we want to make a family, just like other people.

via 10 Things Not to Say About an Adopted Child – mom.me.

We Found Our Son in the Subway – NYTimes.com

mommiejonesing — Sun, 17 Mar 2013 01:24:11 +0000

In a word, “wow”.

Danny called me that day, frantic. “I found a baby!” he shouted. “I called 911, but I don’t think they believed me. No one’s coming. I don’t want to leave the baby alone.

via We Found Our Son in the Subway – NYTimes.com.

Adoption photo memories

mommiejonesing — Fri, 01 Mar 2013 04:59:15 +0000

Thanks to a sleuthing social worker, I am in possession of an early photo of my son. Methinks he is three, maybe, two months old. I am grateful to have it, as it is the oldest record I have of his newborn eyes, nose and hands.

Older foster children and those who age out of the system typically are not in possession of baby pictures, report cards or teeth rescued by the tooth fairy. Sometimes the foster parent is too busy with day-to-day stuff or the child’s stay in their home is brief or in the roulette of multiple moves, personal belongings get lost. Either way, the lack of such meaningful items leaves a hole in his or her-story. Pictures, I might add, are proof positive that a child wasn’t born at age 7.

Luckily an adoptive mom and photographer got the memo and sent photo announcements of her newborn 12 year old son. Though he came into her family’s life with nary a picture, she has made sure that going forward, his milestones will be well documented.

“Here’s my sweet not so little newborn! His name is Latrell and weighs 112 lbs.,” his mom Kelli Higgins proudly announced on Facebook, where the boy’s simple wish created an online sensation.

via "But I have promises to keep…" | eyan-j: marfmellow: Adoptive mom’s ‘newborn’….

Super Bowl QB Colin Kaepernick Says Being Adopted a “Blessing” | LifeNews.com

mommiejonesing — Tue, 05 Feb 2013 04:57:15 +0000

No doubt Colin’s birth mother made a tough but selfless decision.

The San Francisco 49ers were not able to win a Super Bowl victory last night, but, in an interview leading up to the game, the team’s quarterback said he had already received the biggest blessing of his life. Because he was adopted.

via Super Bowl QB Colin Kaepernick Says Being Adopted a "Blessing" | LifeNews.com.

‘Cliff’ deal made adoption tax credit permanent | The Columbus Dispatch

mommiejonesing — Fri, 25 Jan 2013 19:39:40 +0000

In the fall of 2011, Adopt Fund contacted me regarding my eligibility for the Adoption Tax Credit. Having never heard of them or the proffered $12,500 per child tax credit, I almost threw the letter in the trash. I ain’t no fool. Instead, I contacted my adoption attorney and he verified the agency’s existence. Six months later, I got a refund.

While the amount of the credit was recently reduced, every little bit helps. For information on how to claim your Adoption Tax Credit, call Adopt Fund at 310-558-1134 or 855-991-7680. Tell them I sent you.

Legislation that averted the “fiscal cliff” also saved an expiring tax credit — and finally made it permanent — for families who adopt.

via ‘Cliff’ deal made adoption tax credit permanent | The Columbus Dispatch.

Why are more and more boys being held back in kindergarten? — The Good Men Project

mommiejonesing — Thu, 17 Jan 2013 20:29:58 +0000

As the mother of a six year old boy, I know first hand how competitive private school admissions can be. I freely admit to sizing up parents and my son’s prospective classmates, this time last year. And, we were likewise on the receiving end of said scrutiny. Off the height chart and a grade ahead at his old school, he was on track to entering first grade at age 5. An ego boost for me but a physical and emotional spiral to the bottom of the class for him. What’s a mom to do?

I got over myself after a couple of seasoned parents advised that boys needed more time to mature. I even revisited Outliers (Gladwell) to confirm that being a little older would pay off academically, athletically and emotionally. Last fall, my January born, height-gifted son re-entered kindergarten and loves every single second of it.

Education in the aughts is not what it used to be and that sucks. Gone are the days when you walked your child, sack lunch in hand, to the neighborhood public school and wished him a good day. Now, the stakes are higher, costs are exorbitant and everyone is angling for something to distinguish their child’s college application 13 years hence. It’s ridiculous and necessary. “Red-Shirting Kindergarten” by Tom Matlack further explores this latest conundrum for parents of school-aged kids.

Most particularly it made me think of the increasing number of families who are holding back their sons at the age of 5, particularly in private schools, in order to increase their competitive advantage, following, perhaps without knowing it consciously, the line of thinking that has been used to produce professional hockey players.

via Why are more and more boys being held back in kindergarten? — The Good Men Project.

Compelled

mommiejonesing — Sat, 21 Jul 2012 19:29:58 +0000

Slowly but surely, I am beginning to see a pay-off for a project begun in 2009. Actually, this particular book began when I decided to adopt; I just didn’t know it. I was working on something else. More than likely, I was scheming on how not to work full-time and pay my high-ass rent. But then my high and low search for information about women of color who adopt solo turned up nada and before I knew it, I was at the page. My hands, fingers, were forced. Literally.

Born out of necessity, I have written a collection of essays for the adoption/parenting section of online book outlets and shelves of brick and mortar stores. Hopefully, it will be finished this fall. Speaking of autumn, I was selected to be a panelist at the The 7th Biennial Adoption Conference – “Best Interests of the Child?” Race, Religion, & Rescue in Adoption at St. John’s University in mid-October. So exciting!

c. 2012

2011 had me on the literary grind

mommiejonesing — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 04:54:55 +0000

In September 2010, I shared that I was writing a memoir about adopting as a single woman of color. I am pleased to report that I have since gotten an agent and completed nine essays on various topics!

Like a maniac, I spent the last quarter writing, with a short jaunt to the Big Easy. I have also returned to my first love, fiction, and begun revamping a novel about a delusional singer. I’m excited about both prospects and expect to put in many, many, many hours at the page in the months to come. Meanwhile, my son is growing like a weed, cracking me up and keeping me proud.♡

Belated congrats to Viola Davis and her husband for their domestic adoption of a baby girl. They will be blessed beyond measure.